J worked overnight Thursday, I came over Thursday afternoon to be there when he got home so that we could spend more time together. He was exhausted Friday so we woke up after noon, went to the DMV to renew his license, I cooked dinner, then we slept for almost 12 hours.
Work wanted him to come in on Saturday, but he hadn’t exactly adjusted to the double shift on Thursday so he called out. His foreman was an ass. Our entire day consisted of basement organizing, going to an Italian restaurant, and watching Netflix. I get tired really easily, so most of my “cleaning” is really just organizing or throwing things away while moving as little as possible. And not climbing the stairs or my hip will kill me. Going out for dinner was a requisite because I was too tired to make boxed macaroni at this point. I fell asleep while reading then we again slept for almost 12 hours. I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself using him as a pillow- arm behind his neck hands on face. He didn’t wake up for any of this, a sure sign that he was still tired.
I feel like I spent most of today cooking. Big brunch, then lots of things for dinner. I’m so tired right now, most of my body aches, and my intestines are sore but I have no idea why. Cooking and cleaning is incredibly physically demanding (for me) but I do it anyways.
Explanation- I love cooking. It requires a great level of detail and focus to put together a meal that includes multiple items when everything is from scratch and you never use recipes. It’s something I love to do, and it’s something I love to do for J. Because of the focus involved, and the fact that I don’t use recipes, I don’t necessarily work well with others in the kitchen. Even if I ask for help, or someone offers to complete something for me, I’m terrible at just letting that happen. I like doing everything by hand, by myself, and I tend to take over when someone is trying to help. Even something as simple as mixing together boxed cake mix or putting garlic butter on bread, I can’t just watch someone else do it. I want to do it all to make sure it’s done right. Except that I can’t always. Or I shouldn’t. I refuse to ask for help because I want to control every step of the process, but sometimes all I want to do is lie in the floor and eat cereal for dinner. There are days when I start the process and everything is perfectly fine, but by the time things are done I’m shaky and my joints feel loose and achey. I shouldn’t have done so much today. I know that. But I didn’t want to ask for help, because that means admitting I can’t do everything I want. I also feel terrible when I ask for help because no one really asks me to do the things I do. I WANT to do them. I just can’t.
I also feel terrible, because I don’t think I’ve explained most of this to J. I don’t know how to have that conversation because, again, I don’t want to admit that it’s a problem. “I’m tired a lot because I try to do things for you/to help you that I’m physically incapable of doing…” Yup, that will work. And trying to fit a week worth of “helping” into two days? No, that’s not a problem.
Except that I sleep all day Monday and Tuesday because I have no energy left after the weekend. That’s cool…